AZLX Revolution

Chapter 1- Seraphim L. Dante aged 19 "my name is Seraphim L.Dante L stands for Leon the name my father wanted but they picked Dante i am 19 i study in a university and live with my mother 3 years ago every country in the world decided to combine making the whole world under command of the goverment now Named the world goverment but crime rates grew and trouble began brewing in a desprate act the leader of the world Cloud Jackal formed an organization using the strongest people of the world this solved any problem as the members killed every criminal making the world come to peace a year later i began to understand they're methods this is my story trying to stop the Family" Three years ago "today we unite as one world as one community as one nation" the president began announcing Watching this on TV i was pretty happy "the evil will fade" i thought to myself "Finnaly i can live happily" a few days later my dad went against this order and was found dead by unknown reasons i began looking through the files he left what i found was a note saying "The Family" confused i began using my time in school to my advantage and looking into this family matter a year later the Family was officialy formed i than 17 was already close to figuring out who killed my dad "The Family" i whispered i bought a book about the family and began reading it this book is divided to 10 chapters in total all talking about info or history of the Family i began reading the first chapter "Chapter 1:Start up" a cold night it was we were born my name is Jake Hardstone i am the high counsel of the Family Summary of this chapter: The Family Formations The Family's Day of creation writing in this chapter was the exact formation of the family from the leader: The Goverment to the Second in Command to the 3 liutenents on to the 5 High rank Warriors each leading 100 Soldiers to the 100 Lower Rank Warriors to the Soldiers which the Family has over a million this information came in handy reading through i understood that the higher ranks were given for a reason my theory was the better assassin gets the better rank the history part was boring the things were already known the goverment assigned men to stop the crimes and somehow everything is alright soon after i closed the book and put it into the bookshelf and quickly fell asleep Morning 12th December 2015 7:05am it was a cold morning for me at least i did my morning routine and went on to school on my way i kept on reading the book although the second through 10th chapters were pretty much criminal records and a bit of members information all i knew was that my father's death had nothing to do with this book and so i put it back into my bag school was boring as always i quickly headed home locking myself in my room with no new leads i began searching through the net for information than i found a piece of info i was interested in "The Family" saviors or killers this article was about how someone else lost they're parents after the Family appeared and how the crime rates going down seems weird i contacted this person turns out its one of my friends in class he said that he's father seemed really unhappy when the goverment announced the Family's creation so he and my mother headed out and were found dead 3 days later this description fits my father's suddenly 5 people surrounded us "Seraphim Dante" one of them said taking out a gun "what you are doing is evil and is unaccepted" suddenly he shot my friend "stop researching the family" he said i stood amazed as how easy he shot and killed a person "no..." i whispered "I WON'T STOP" i shouted at him suddenly a laugh came out of he's mouth "interesting" he was wearing a weird mask "ill kill you than" he smiled than in an instant he appeared right before me holding a knife "you shall Die here Dante Seraphim also known as Leon" he whispered before he thrusted the knife in my direction TO BE CONTINUED

I like what I read so far... but the format was a bit distracting (the lines end before the sentences do) The beginning was fast paced, but it slowed down further on... I do like this first person narrative though. Work on the format, though. You used "than" instead of "then" a few times, you might consider changing that. But otherwise, I'm enjoying Seraphim L. Dante, and I hope the next chapter comes out soon. I have a feeling Dante isn't just going to let himself get killed, or maybe someone will intervene?? Nice start.

thanks [image: http://animeforum.org.uk/images/smilies/biggrin.gif] i was hoping to hear some criticizing ok ill take these problems and fix them in the next chapter [image: http://animeforum.org.uk/images/smilies/biggrin.gif]

Okay [image: http://animeforum.org.uk/images/smilies/biggrin.gif] I hope you do. And I'm looking forward to the next chapter

Chapter 2-Connections in the last chapter Dante met his friend his friend was killed by Family high rankers and now one of them is going to kill Dante the agent was close to stab Dante but at the last second someone blocked the knife with a sword as black as the night sky the agent quickly jumped back and the mask he was wearing disappeared "you" the agent smiled "Mark you should stop doing these foolish things" the man with the sword smiled Mark and the other 4 agents quickly walked away from the area "hey kid" the man said he was pretty tall he's clothes were a bit dirty and he's hair long and black the sword he had suddenly disappeared "my name is Dante" Dante Muttered he was still shocked from he's encounter with Mark the man laughed "i see Seraphim Dante is it" he turned around and faced Dante with a happy look, Dante was surprised "yep" he said "name's A" the old man said, Dante scratched he's head "A is that really you're name" he asked A shook he's head "yes" he said suddenly A took something out of a bag he had it was a file "Seraphim L.Dante" he began reading out loud "son of Seraphim Metero" Dante nodded but than took a step towards A "how did you know" Dante asked His eyes full of surprise A kept on reading "straight A student a wannabe Prosecutor studies Kendo Karate and trains boxing with he's big brother Seraphim Sven" indeed this surprised me at first someone i never met knew so much especcialy about my Boxing lessons which even my mother known nothing about but i decided to listen to him "that is all" A muttered "it seems i've got quite a someone here" Dante smiled "Dante you're goal is to find out who killed you're father" A said Dante nodded "im sure it was the family" he said A smiled "correct and im here to help you" A told me to take him to my room where we shall continue the investigation about the one who killed my father and A's help was more than useful "ok than this is it" A said he hacked into a site where all the Family info was and began reading through the files until finding one file this file caught they're eyes "Incident number 1: 7000" this file had info on 7000 people who were killed on the day the Family was formed but it had nothing about Metero they kept on searching until another file was found "Incident 1:Civilian Casualties" in this file there was a list of civilians killed Metero's File was there Name:Seraphim Metero Way Died:Killed by Lieutenant V Occupation: Lawyer, Rebel, Assassin this infromation surprised Dante "my father a rebel and assassin what is this about he would never do something bad" Dante shouted suddenly someone opened The door to the room it was Dante's mother "Dante stop screa..." she stopped and looked at A "Hey Amane" A said he smiled at her but she looked angry Seraphim Amane my mother she was the one most hurt by my father's death "Hello Aaron" she said "Aaron" Dante thought "answer something Aaron" Amane said "Gladly" A answered Amane set down on Dante's Bed "did you teach him to use that" she said and tears appeared in her eyes "no im not planning to for now" A answered he than bowed down in front of Amane Mom left the room afterwards i felt like i really wanted to learn what they are hiding but i decided this could wait "could you bring me an info file about V" Dante asked A, A laughed "no it is impossible because no one really knows who Van is only name and picture are known to anyone lower then lieutenant" Dante looked out of he's window "well then lets go for a walk" he offered A agreed "a great idea" we both walked out of the house and began walking towards central park that place is like a huge mall having anything out there available for purchase my interest was to check out some new boxing gloves for my brother's birthday next week as they arrived at the park it was empty only three people standing staring at Dante, the three quickly came closer to Dante and A "i am V" one of them said "i am Z" the other said "and i am X" the third said "We are The Family Lieutenants" they said together Dante stared at V "you..." he muttered suddenly picking up a stick "ill kill you" he shouted as he attacked V but that move was countered and Dante was sent flying into a tree "is this you're new pet A" V said "he's weak can't he use that" Dante stood up again "AHHHHHHHHH" he shouted as he attacked V again this time though he used he's fist V dodged and gave Dante a kick in the stomach , Dante injured stood up again breathing heavily "he's strong" Dante thought he tried once more and again and again and again but each time he was beaten over and over and over again Finally after 20 hits Dante could not stand up again "we'll take our leave then you can handle A on you're own V" Z and X said disappearing "cowards" V muttered "anyway now that he's out of the way let us fight" A smiled "give me a moment" A said suddenly Dante attacked V once more and was beaten again "im too weak" he thought "do you want power" he heard a voice "do you want revenge do you want to destroy him do you want to make him feel a pain greater than you're own" The voice sounded Vicious but Dante only cared about victory "yes... i want power" He answered "well than here take it i will lend you my power" the voice disappeared "i want to win" Dante then shouted as he's body was engulfed with a bright light

Okay, where to start? Yes, so Dante was saved from certain death after all. That's good, the story would have been too short if he'd been killed so easily. But Mark left rather suddenly. Although as I read further, it seems even the Lieutenants are afraid of Aaron. Also, I didn't know there were four of them there in the beginning until they all left. I thought it was just Mark. Now Dante's in a dangerous situation, and he's been given powers from a mysterious source. It's interesting. Now, here's my little bit of crit. I see you lengthened the lines, and didn't cut off sentences halfway. That's good. But while doing that it would be good if you added full stop at the end of sentences and capital letters at the beginning. I can make sense of what you wrote, but the grammar was distracting. Also, for the different peoples dialogues, it's okay to start a new paragraph, and not add two or three peoples dialogue into one line. I've mentioned previously that I like your first person narrative, and I like your third person persective too. I don't however think you should mix and match them up. Choose one and stick to it. If you want Dante to have thoughts, then by all means do so, but it's disorientating to have him be "he" and "I" all at once. But to get away from the crit, I think the content was pretty good. You have a great idea here, and the story is interesting. I hadn't expected his dad to have been a rebel, or an assassin (if that last bit was true). Also it was nice how you introduced Dante's mom and added that she had been hit hardest by her husband's death. It builds sympathy in the reader. Good job so far... just work on the formatting and grammar. (Sorry this was so long...)

ok thanks :O ill fix it up and get the next chapter up as soon as possible [image: http://animeforum.org.uk/images/smilies/biggrin.gif]

okay [image: http://animeforum.org.uk/images/smilies/biggrin.gif] I'm looking forward to the next chapter. And sorry for all the crit, I hope it helps. Your story is really good so far, though, so good luck!

ok the next chapter will be published on wednesday [image: http://animeforum.org.uk/images/smilies/biggrin.gif]

Cool, I'll be looking forward to it [image: http://animeforum.org.uk/images/smilies/biggrin.gif]